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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician, who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he
quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon, he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to
retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The
microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained
his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding
applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town
again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He
reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of
darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago; but an embarrassing thing
happened, and since then, I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one
thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even
remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart"

Jul 4, 2012 - 02:50 pm
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RITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. 

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

_______________________________________________________ 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. 

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 

Must sell washer and dryer £100. 

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 

Worn once by mistake. 

Call Stephanie. 

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of EncyclopaediaBritannica, 45 volumes. 

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. 

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

Jul 4, 2012 - 03:04 pm
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I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him behind me.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.  Although it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of carbon fibre craftsmanship.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Avanti cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle.

Jul 4, 2012 - 03:10 pm
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A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

Jul 4, 2012 - 03:12 pm
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A man walked out to the street and instantly caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, 
"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"! 

Passenger: "Who?" 
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. 
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won 
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do 
everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."

Jul 4, 2012 - 03:57 pm
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I know I'm not going to understand women. 
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
and still be afraid of a spider. 

Jul 4, 2012 - 04:00 pm
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A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble! 

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..'' 

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' 
His response -- click.. 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG) 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!) 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.. 

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' 

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. 

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in! 

Jul 4, 2012 - 04:11 pm
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I got my Tax Return....   "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year, however, the IRS sent my Tax Return back!!

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said: "List All Dependents."     I replied, 12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.   Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. 
So I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?" 

Jul 4, 2012 - 04:29 pm
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I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth 

with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,

took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of

Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released 

him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. 

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Jul 4, 2012 - 04:29 pm
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The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is
proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.
 
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the
Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy
is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take
care of themselves.
 
This ends today's lesson.

Jul 4, 2012 - 04:55 pm
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Jul 4, 2012 - 06:05 pm
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  .



Jul 4, 2012 - 10:04 pm
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Jul 4, 2012 - 10:12 pm
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Jul 4, 2012 - 10:24 pm
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Hitting the sack like a boss..............


Jul 5, 2012 - 01:54 pm
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