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Gift Dilemma

Gift Dilemma

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by: Heathur Active Indicator LED Icon 12 OP 
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 8:48am  
So I have a gift dilemma this year. We are VERY close with DH's little sister. She keeps our daughter for free some in the summertime, takes her to girl scout camp every year, she is an incredible aunt, she is CONSTANTLY spending the weekend/ weeks at our house, she's a wonderful person who DH & I both have a ton in common with, we're just very close with her. Well his middle sister got very nasty with us when she found out DH did not ask her to be in our wedding. No personal reason other than we have just never been close with her & they never got along growing up. Well she said some really really awful things about us as a couple & me in particular. (You'd think she'd be used to us & me considering we've been together for 9 & a half years & I'm the mother of her 7 year old niece...) That was in early July. Well she waited until Thanksgiving day to apologize. DH & I were not planning on buying that sister a Christmas present & we have already bought his other sister a couple of James Avery charms for her JA charm bracelet & a gnome mug as she collects gnomes. His mom caught wind of the James Avery charms & was like "You know honey, you can't buy for one sister without buying for the other. You have to get her something." So I'm seeking advice. Do we have to get her something? Should we opt for an inexpensive piece of costume jewelry from Claire's or Forever 21? Maybe just give the sister we're closest to her mug at their families Christmas gathering in front of the other sister & get the other sister a mug as well, then wait to give the sister we're closest to her real gifts when she comes over to stay the rest of her Christmas break with us after Christmas? Thoughts? Opinions? We aren't looking to start another family feud but we're not exactly looking to drop the same kind of money on that sister as we are on the one we're close with, especially considering we weren't planning on buying for her at all to begin with. 4951
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TheTruthHurts Active Indicator LED Icon 12
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 8:53am  
Be true to yourself. While it's nice what your MIL said about not leaving her out, the truth is you don't have a relationship with her.
 
You could get her a token little something, like a mug, but do it bc you want to, not bc you were pressured I to it.
 
The reality is not everyone in their family are close. 4951
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Fallon Active Indicator LED Icon 18
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 8:55am  
Removed By Request 4951
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Fallon Active Indicator LED Icon 18
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:01am  
Removed By Request 4951
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Heathur Active Indicator LED Icon 12 OP 
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:04am  
Are you going to be around the middle sister at all during Christmas?  If no, then I wouldn't get her a thing.  But if you want to just get thru the season peacefully, get her a gift card to starbucks, or a mug, or a small little item.  Something she likes, but nothing like you do for the sister that doesn't treat you like crap.If she asks why she got so little, look her in the eye and tell her she treats you like crap and until that changes she gets what she gets and she better not throw a fitEmoticon  lolOr you could be full out witch and get her a dildo and tell her to you know what herself.  That would make the holidays merry!
 
@Fallon: LMAO!!! Oh that would be a Christmas to remember!! We never know which holidays she's going to decide to come around, but Christmas is almost guaranteed she'll be there because she'll get junk. She hasn't missed one yet anyways. That is my term I use CONSTANTLY though, "You get what you get & you don't throw a fit!" Last week I coined a new phrase too. DD is always asking "Where are we going?" then saying "But I don't want to do that." if it's not somewhere she's big on. So I started responding "You do what we do & you don't act a fo'." lol. DH loves it, DD is not so amused but it hushes her up! lmao.
4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:09am  
If his Mom wants to dictate the gift giving, then tell her she is welcome to buy what she wishes for her, but you will not buy for anyone who treats you that way. She does not control your money or your purchases.
 
No one wants to give or receive an obligatory gift.
 
Does everyone open gifts all at once or one by one in front of everyone? If all at once, she might not notice you didnt get her anything in all of the frenzy.
 
Or is it possible to give a family gift like a basket of some kind and give the family gift to her child or spouse instead of directly to her and label it "family" or something generic. If she's single, then that wouldn't work.
 
You could also opt for the nice gifts in private away from the rest of the family.
 
Ether way, don't let someone butt in and dictate what you give or don't give to someone who mistreats you, even if she means well and is just trying to keep the family peace. Her efforts would be better spent trying to convince the sister to at least treat you civilly.
4951
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rena Active Indicator LED Icon 1
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:09am  
Starbucks $25  giftcard. That way she gets a little something and there is nothing to complain about on her end. If she doesn't show up then you get to use it and it won't go to waste. 4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:12am  
Starbucks $25  giftcard. That way she gets a little something and there is nothing to complain about on her end. If she doesn't show up then you get to use it and it won't go to waste.
 
@rena:
 
I don't think she has a right to complain about anything since she chose to mistreat them for so long. She likely apologized just to keep the peace during the holiday. She made her choice with her behavior. 4951
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Heathur Active Indicator LED Icon 12 OP 
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:17am  
 
I don't think she has a right to complain about anything since she chose to mistreat them for so long. She likely apologized just to keep the peace during the holiday. She made her choice with her behavior.
 
@donnatella: MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. She cried when she apologized & said she was jealous that we asked the other sister & a cousin but not her, & that she was jealous of our love because she's never had what he & I have with anyone else. Tears DO NOT work on me though. This felt very forced by the mother & she didn't come around or speak to us after the apology. Has not spoken to us since actually. Thanksgiving was also the first time we actually saw each other in person since her outburst. Maybe I'm cold, but tears generally do not phase me.   
4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:23am  
Maybe the Mom is spending too much time trying to orchestrate the perfect family holiday season and is playing puppet master. I'm sure if you wanted to be an actor in a play you would have sought a career on Broadway.
 
If her crying was genuine, she would have spoken since then.
 
Will giving the gift bring you joy or resentment? Will you be glad or feel manipulated and duped? Let that be your guide, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. 4951
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BooBear Active Indicator LED Icon 16
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:28am  
I would just buy the gift but I cannot stand any type of strife in the family. I can seriously never recall a single feud and only remember happy holidays with my family. Im not saying people never got mad at anyone but it didn't stop us from being a generally happy family. My family including cousins and so's 5 generations worth(83 of us) all get together for Christmas every year...NEVER any drama. 4951
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Fallon Active Indicator LED Icon 18
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:33am  
Removed By Request 4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:38am  
Maybe I'm more cold-hearted, but I would have left feeling used, manipulated and had, even if it was just a $5 gift. It's a matter of principle to me, not a matter of the gift itself. Yes, we should forgive but no one should be a doormat to anyone. There's no justification for how she has treated you, no matter what her excuse was during her dramatic "apology." 4951
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Heathur Active Indicator LED Icon 12 OP 
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 9:52am  
Maybe I'm more cold-hearted, but I would have left feeling used, manipulated and had, even if it was just a $5 gift. It's a matter of principle to me, not a matter of the gift itself. Yes, we should forgive but no one should be a doormat to anyone. There's no justification for how she has treated you, no matter what her excuse was during her dramatic "apology."
 
@donnatella: If it were my own family, maybe I would care more, but his family is CONSTANT drama & I don't care to be the center of it. The mom & her sister gang up on whichever sister in law they have a problem with, or whichever brother said this to whoever that they didn't agree with. It's always SOMETHING with his family & I'm not down with that. His sister is just bat **** crazy. Whether she feels that way or not, she lives in San Marcus & I can count on 1 hand how many times a year we see her. It's not worth the headache to hear his mom ***** & cry (& yes, this grown woman will literally cry when she isn't happy.) What will put a smile on my face will be walking down the isle come June & seeing that sister in the audience rather than in my bridal party as his mother begged for. That is absolutely never going to happen. His mother & I have not always had the best relationship, so I pick my battles with her these days. When we first started dating 9 & a half years ago, she did not care for me because I'm Mexican. When she found out I was pregnant, she wanted me to have an abortion & wouldn't let me in her house at 6 & a half months pregnant to pee. Ever since having her only grandchild 7 years ago though, she has turned a new leaf with me. Is constantly telling me what a great mother I am, what a great person my DD is growing into, & thanking me for taking such good care of her son. I have forgiven the bad simply because she is now a wonderful grandmother to our daughter, but I have not, & will never, forget. Life is too short to live with hate in my heart towards her. She has given birth to my soul mate & although she has hurt me in many ways, I will always be grateful for her bringing him into this world & overall raising him to be such a wonderful man. If a $15 starbucks gift card will keep the peace, then I can live with that, lol. 
4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 10:00am  
That makes sense. In that case, I would have DH buy it, wrap it and handle the giving, so I could stay 100% removed from it.  (Yes, I'm that stubborn...LOL). 4951
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hardzep Active Indicator LED Icon 10
~ 10 years ago   Dec 13, '13 11:56am  
My DW gave up on my family after over 20 years of conflict.   I love my parents but I know they are controlling, difficult and start stuff (stir the pot) on purpose.  This year my wife has been sending me and my son to visit them without her and we did Christmas with them already just me and my son and my family.  My wife shopped for all of them, wrapped the gifts, packed us and then set us on our way.  I have my mom call me and email me so she has to deal with me if she has a problem with my wife not attending.  I  tell her I love my wife and like that she is not stressed any more.  That usually gets her to change the topic.  Since I have asked her to call me and not my wife she can't try and bully my wife. 4951
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