This is an actual case: A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.
The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.
I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshhold for the brainless!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North inAustralia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a 'Drop Bear'. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
A friend of a friend posted this on FB. Her son was 3 at the time this happened now he's 7. She just likes to revisit the story every now & then.
"So, my son has always been smart. I dont like to be a mom who brags, but the kid is smart, bottom line. He already knows the geography of more countries than I do and can add, subtract, multiply, divide and do fractions. He is 7. He's smart. whatever.
When he was 3 yrs old, whenever we had shopping to do in the mall, I would bribe him with Dippin Dots afterward, if he behaved himself - which he always did.
So, one afternoon after doing some shopping, my husband reminded me that we had to stop at the Dippin Dots counter on the way out. We approached the counter to find a particularly grumpy looking individual working behind it (I think the guy is the owner).
"One kid scoop of chocolate, please," Quinn said to him.
The man replied nothing and got to work filling a bowl for him.
"Sir, why is this place called 'Dippin Dots?'" Quinn asked the man.
"I dont know. It just is." the man replied, in no mood for conversation.
"Well, cuz you dont really DIP them at all." Quinn continued.
The man ignored him.
"And they arent really dots either. Dots arent three-dimensional. A dot would be flat." Quinn pressed on.
At this point, my husband and I are smiling at one another - brimming with pride over how smart Quinn is AND how much he is annoying this guy.
Quinn went silent for a moment and suddenly cried, "YOU SHOULD CALL THEM 'LICK MY BALLS!'"
I almost spat out my gum. My husband started turning red and laughing.
Quinn, undaunted, kept going, "Cuz you lick em! And really, they're balls! Lick my balls!I think you would sell more!" The poor kid had no idea his idea had a double inuendo. He simply didnt understand why 'dippin dots' was a suitable name when it was so misleading.