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by: elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 8:46pm  
I found in an old HD... 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 8:46pm  
Bartender's Revenge
 
A guy
walks into a bar and asks for a mug of beer, and the bartender says,
"That'll be five cents, please."
 
The guy nearly spits out
his beer. "Five cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a
plate of wings with extra hot sauce and a side order of curly fries?"
 
"Eleven cents,"
says the bartender.
 
The customer says he's
going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices.
"Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for
these low prices and shake his hand?"
 
"Upstairs,"
says the bartender, "With my wife."
 
"What's he doing
upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
 
"Same thing I'm
doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.  4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 8:49pm  
Doctors vs. Guns
 
Think
about this:
 
a. The number of
physicians in the US
is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
 
Then think about this:
 
a. The number of gun
owners in the US
is 80,000,000.
 
b. The number of
accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
 
c. The number of
accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
 
Statistically, doctors
are approx 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
 
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A
GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
 
Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
 
As a public health
measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could
cause people to seek medical attention. 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 8:58pm  
Evolution Of Teaching Math
 
Teaching
Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math in 1960: A
logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of
the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
Teaching Math in 1970: A
logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of
money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The
set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set
"M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M"
and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set
"P" of profits?
 
Teaching Math in 1980: A
logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and
his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
Teaching Math in 1990: By
cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of
this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down
the trees? There are no wrong answers.
 
Teaching Math in 2000: A
logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:02pm  
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
- A shrimp's heart is in it's head.
- People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze,your
heart stops for a mili-second.
- In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a
single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
- It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.
- Rats and horses can't vomit.
- If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
- If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head
or neck and die.
- If you keep your eyes open by force when you sneeze, you might pop an eyeball
out.
- Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants.
- Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by
700 times.
- In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
- 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.
- In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70
assorted insects and 10 spiders.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:05pm  
Message From Saddam
 
After numerous rounds of
"We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam himself decided
to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still
in the game.
 
370HSSV-0773H
 
Bush was baffled, so he
typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue
either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it there, either, so it
went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service.
 
Eventually they asked MI6
for help.
 
They cabled the White
House:
 
"Tell the president
he is looking at the message upside down..."
 
  4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:06pm  
Politically Correct
UNIX
 
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it
must get rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become
compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that
is, the "Politically Correct."
 
 
 
System VI Release notes
 
UTILITIES
1) "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
2) Similarly, "hangman" is now the
"person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
3) To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the
"cat" command is now merely "domestic_quadruped."
4) To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" -
reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no.
To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with
a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if
the "no" is ignored.
5) The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been
replaced by the more neutral "gender" command.
6) The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
7) "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight
"feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that from Dead
White European Males) should be archived via "tar" and
"feather".
8) The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of
the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less"
command.
9) The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
unfriendly "LaTeX".
 
 
 
SHELL
COMMANDS
1) To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill"
command has been renamed "euthanise."
2) The "nice" command was historically used by privileged
users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
"nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by
unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
3) "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called
"herstory."
4) "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and
will be strictly enforced.
5) The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
 
 
 
TERMINOLOGY
1) From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred
to as "exploitative capitalist text".
2) The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as "spiritual guides."
3) There will no longer be a invidious distinction between
"dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally
valuable.
4) Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse
video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses
"regressive video" to refer to white on black, while
"progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background.
5) For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of
"root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a
dictatorship of the users. All system administration functions will be handled
by the People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
6) No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
"owned" by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
7) The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
8) And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for
Procreatively Challenged. 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:09pm  
Rites Of Passage?
 
 
 
A young
woman in New York
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
 
He took pity on her and
said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe
in the morning and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."
 
Moving closer, he slipped
his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll
keep me happy."
 
The girl nodded yes.
After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe
would give her life new meaning.
 
That night, the Sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love
until dawn.
 
Three weeks later, during
a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you
doing here?" the Captain asked.
 
"I have an
arrangement with one of the Sailors," she explained. "I get food, a
trip to Europe and he's screwing me."
 
"He sure is,
lady", the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!" 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:10pm  
Short Obituary
 
A woman
goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently
deceased husband is published.
 
The obit editor informs
her that there is a charge of .50 cents per word.
 
She pauses, reflects, and
then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."
 
Amused at the woman's
thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all
obituaries.
 
She thinks it over and in
a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs
for sale." 4951
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sweetie Active Indicator LED Icon 11 Forum Moderator
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:19pm  
Lol! 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:22pm  
The Golfing Accident
 
 
 
A couple
of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome
teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
men playing the next hole.
 
Indeed, the ball hit one
of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
 
The woman rushed down to
the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow."
 
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo,
I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied
breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch.
 
But she persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them
to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to
massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
 
To which he replied,
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." 4951
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elguapo Active Indicator LED Icon 15 OP 
~ 7 years ago   Jun 1, '16 9:26pm  
The
Boob Poem
Yes, I did have my
mammogram
today... Why do you ask?
 
 
 
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
 
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
 
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
 
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
 
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
 
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
 
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
 
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
 
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
 
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
 
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
 
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
 
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
 
  4951
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