Marguerite Manteau-Rao
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CEO, Presence Care Project
How to Be With a Loved One With Dementia During the Holidays
Posted:
11/29/2015 6:50 pm EST
Updated:
11/29/2015 6:59 pm EST
"I am so sad. I want to see my son." I found her sitting in
her wheelchair crying out for her one most beloved person in the whole
world. Her son had celebrated an early Thanksgiving with her two days
before the official holiday. He had thought that would do for Mom. The
problem is Mom was not remembering, and now, on Thanksgiving Day, she
was seeing all the other residents at her assisted living place getting
visits from their families. In that moment, all she could think and feel
was, my son must not care about me, he does not even bother coming on
that most important day of the year. She was remembering all the years
before and the joyous festivities she had hosted for him and their
family at her home. That was part of a past never to be had again... She
was grieving, and the absence of her son was making it doubly hard.As
dementia caregivers with multiple family obligations, it may be hard
reconciling the needs of our parent with that of our other family
members. Maybe mom is living far away in an assisted living, and our
wife and children are demanding our presence also during Thanksgiving
and other holidays. What to do? Here are a few things for you to
consider:1. Celebrating ahead of time or late is not going to
help. Your mom's brain cannot hang on to such short-term memories, and
in her mind, it will be as if nothing happened. 2. Your mom's
brain reacts to what it sees, hears, and feels in the present moment. If
her environment tells her it is Thanksgiving today, and you are not
there, it's gonna hurt big time.3. With Alzheimer's and other
dementia conditions where short-term memory is affected, the mind may
not remember, but the heart will whenever significant emotions are
triggered. In this case, your mom may be upset for some time after your
no-show.4. Unlike your mom, the rest of your family can handle
not celebrating on the very day. Their brains can make the leap. "We are
not celebrating Thanksgiving at home on the day, because Dad needs to
be with Grandma."5. Grandma's Alzheimer's calls for the whole
family to explore the true meaning of love and compassion. Letting Dad
go, or deciding to all go and spend the holiday at grandma's place may
actually put all more in touch the true spirit of the holidays.6.
The reality may be that your family is not so united and up to the
challenge. Your wife may not like your mom, or your kids may not care
that much. You may find yourself split between conflicting loyalties and
you may need to decide within your own heart on what's best.7.
If you live close by to your mom, you may be able to satisfy all by
splitting the day between mom and the rest of the family, i.e., morning
and lunch with mom, afternoon and dinner with the kids and wife. 8.
Last, and most importantly, be aware of the guilt that is part of your
journey as a dementia caregiver. And practice self-compassion. "I am
doing the best I can given the circumstances."Whichever your
tradition, whether Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Chinese New Year,
Diwali, Kwanzaa, or Eid-al-Fitr, may it be a joyous celebration with
your loved one with dementia, and also your family.
Follow Marguerite Manteau-Rao on Twitter:
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More:
Dementia
Alzheimer’S
Christmas
Holidays
Person Centered Care
Caregiving
Caregiver
Dementia Care
Thanksgiving
Hanukkah
Chinese New Year
Diwali
Kwanzaa
Eid Al Fitr
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