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But that's different.

But that's different.

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by: Mahm Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 2:48pm  
My BFF and I were having a discussion over lunch yesterday. We came to the conclusion that there are two different kinds of cheaters.
(Feel free to add a 3rd or 4th kind if you wish.)
 
The first kind is the one who goes out looking to stray. They have made a decision that they are discontent emotionally or unfulfilled sexually, and they need more. They are the kind who create a profile on AM or place an ad on Craigslist or stop off at the bar on the way home from work.
 
The second kind isn't looking, isn't thinking about being discontent or about straying. Then along comes a friend in the form of a coworker or someone met in an innocent social setting. They try to fight the attraction and the flirting but they find themselves unable to resist.
 
We have a mutual friend who was the 2nd kind. She found herself talking to another man through emails and phone calls every day for years before something adulterous inevitably happened. Then her husband found out. And she was remorseful. She broke off contact with the guy and made herself 100% accountable to her husband because she wanted to work it out. And they did. She is now completely faithful and guards herself from those types of friendships with men.
 
We see that as very different from someone who enjoys the risk, plays the game, seeks out multiple partners... And even after getting caught, if their spouse stays with them, they just find a way to hide it better next time.
 
We think these two types of cheaters are vastly different, but that society views them the same. And judges them the same, lumping all cheaters into the same category.
 
Granted, I think, as a spouse I would be more jealous of an emotional affair than a physical one, but that's just me.
 
Do you see a difference? If it were your spouse, would you be more forgiving of one over the other? Or would you forgive neither? 4951
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PedroDePacas Active Indicator LED Icon 16
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 2:59pm  
Nope. Once a cheater always a cheater. 4951
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friday1 Active Indicator LED Icon 9
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 3:10pm  
If you're willing to confide in a stranger instead of your better half your marriage isn't worth the paper its written on. That being said some husbands /wives don't want to deal with each others problems. They throw a tantrum and the other half has nowhere to go.Cheating is a physical act. How many guys stop and look at a girl at the grocery store. I know girls do it too they just don't admit it.  If that is the standard for cheating we all are cheaters. 4951
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SandyKnee Active Indicator LED Icon 12
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 3:28pm  
[ Removed By Request ] 4951
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mm4731 Active Indicator LED Icon 13
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 5:28pm  
[ Removed By Request. ] 4951
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blueyes Active Indicator LED Icon 3
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 5:45pm  
There is no difference.  Cheating is cheating. 4951
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beadweaver Active Indicator LED Icon 8
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 5:46pm  
I think if your spending that much time chatting, emailing or texting someone else of the opposite sex and your married, your already cheating.
 
If your spouse doesn't know and your doing things behind their back, your already cheating.
 
I met this chic once and she told me she couldn't and wouldn't be my friend because I didn't keep secrets from my husband. Good riddance as I saw it. We have higher standards for what we are looking for in friendship.
 
Nothing that starts out with a lie or secret ends well. 4951
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justanirishgirl Active Indicator LED Icon 10
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 5:47pm  
I believe there is a difference. One type is a player, the othe, caught up in a situation where they probably were unhappy, and vulnerable to an error in judgement. 4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 5:53pm  
Cheating is cheating, and there is no difference, but the first type, out for sex with just anyone and multiple casual partners, risks the health of the partner left at home. 4951
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donnatella Active Indicator LED Icon 13 Forum Moderator
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 6:18pm  
I think if your spending that much time chatting, emailing or texting someone else of the opposite sex and your married, your already cheating.
 
@beadweaver: What???? Does that mean we have to drop @brat from the Quad? I hope not, we love his brutal honesty and male POV opinions. Plus, he's Hubs met, tested and approved.
 
4951
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Mahm Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 6:33pm  
I appreciate all of the feedback. I knew there would be a variety of opinions.
 
My ex-husband was the first kind. He always said he was sorry and then he would do it again a few months later. And he never wanted to let me talk about how it made me feel. Eventually I grew numb to it and started planning my exit strategy.
 
My friend (someone with whom I went to high school on the south side) felt guilty about the emotional affair all along. And she did characterize it as a "six year long affair" although she only slept with him a couple times, just a few months before she was caught. After that, she gave her husband all of her passwords, allowed him to track her phone, never went anywhere without the kids, went to couples counseling, and allowed her husband to say whatever he needed to say regarding his hurt. This went on for more than a year. And I know that she feels very strongly that none of it was worth it, and I seriously doubt she would ever do it again.
 
I would have given anything for my ex-husband to show that level of remorse and make that kind of effort to rebuild my trust. He wanted to say he was sorry and have me just let it go. I told him repeatedly that a hurricane just destroyed our home and simply moving back into the home and resuming life without a storm was not enough to fix it. I think the way someone handles the aftermath of an affair makes a huge difference.
 
Of course, it's best if there is never an affair to begin with. 4951
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dac1842 Active Indicator LED Icon 3
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 7:00pm  
Cheaters should be shot..but that is just my opinion. 4951
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mm4731 Active Indicator LED Icon 13
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 7:05pm  
[ Removed By Request. ] 4951
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Mahm Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 7:42pm  
IMO those that see a difference are generally the cheaters. Those that were the ones cheated on see no difference
 
@mm4731:
 
I said I was cheated on and I see a difference in how I was treated vs how my friend's husband was treated. But my personal experience need not have any bearing on your opinion. 4951
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mm4731 Active Indicator LED Icon 13
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 7:52pm  
[ Removed By Request. ] 4951
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Mahm Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Sep 7, '15 7:58pm  

- - - - - - - -
>>
- - - - - - - -
>> IMO those that see a difference are generally the cheaters. Those that were the ones cheated on see no difference
 
@mm4731:
 
I said I was cheated on and I see a difference in how I was treated vs how my friend's husband was treated. But my personal experience need not have any bearing on your opinion.
 
@Mahm: key word "generally"
 
And one question for you. Have you ever cheated on someone?
 
 
@mm4731:
 
Ha! Have you? 4951
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