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What husband don't know

What husband don't know

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by: FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jul 29, '15 12:38pm  
I've been happily married for almost 15 years now. For my husband, though, it has probably not been quite as pleasant. Thankfully, he blames most of his daily inconveniences on the world and it's disintegrating values for quality, quantity, and service. Which is all true. However, what he doesn't know is that the majority of the time, it's actually totally my fault...  1. His Complaint: "Razors don't last as long as they used to."
 
The Truth: Yes they do. In fact, they're better and they last longer. The only difference now is that you're not the only one using them. Every married woman knows that her husband's black, quintuple-blade, super-glide-with-added-contour-control razor is a hundred times better than her pink, quintuple-blade, super-glide-with-added-contour-control razor. To put it in man-terms: imagine how long the lawn mower would last if it went from just being used on our yard to being used on a full-sized golf course. I know it irritates my husband to no end that he has to now buy razor refills almost every month, but my legs and pits haven't been this smooth since I started growing hair there in the first place! His sanity for my satiny-smooth appendages is worth it all the way!
By the way, dear, you're also out of shaving cream...  2. His Complaint: "I can't find my favorite shirt"
 
The Truth: Do you mean the one you bought during our holiday last summer? The orange and green one with the hula girls all over it? Yeah, it's gone. Eliminated. Kiboshed. Destroyed. I know I keep telling you it's in the laundry, and that I can't wash it until I have a big enough load of the right colors and material to put in with it, but I'm lying. That shirt was heinous. I don't care whether we're going to a neighbor's barbecue or there's a national blackout, I cannot - and will not - be associated with the person wearing that abomination. Frankly, I did you and the world a favor.
Someday, you'll thank my for it. If I ever let you find out.  3. His Complaint: "They never have my favorite flavor of potato chips/pizza/soda pop, etc."
 
The Truth: They would have your favorite if your favorite was the same as my favorite. You wanted me to pick up a feast-o-meat pizza with extra jalapeos? Well, they only had the chicken marinara with avocado. You wanted me to buy a two liter of Jolt cola? Yeah, they don't carry it anymore, but I thought we could try this diet fizzy-fruity one! And you wanted a couple of bags of mesquite spicy BBQ onion chips to snack on during the game tonight? Shucks, honey, they were sold out! But guess what flavor they did have? Cool Ranch! And, ladies, what goes better with a bag of cool ranch potato chips and an icy-cold diet fruity pop than a little bit of Bradley Cooper? Which brings me to my next point...  4. His Complaint: "The DVR keeps stopping and starting so I miss chunks of the game I'm recording."
 
The Truth: I'm at home, sitting in front of the TV with my Cool Ranch chips and fizzy pop, scrolling through the TV guide while your game is going on in the background, when I find that "Silver Linings Playbook" is on - RIGHT. NOW. An it's only twenty minutes in! Okay, twenty-five minutes, at the most! So here's the thing, in order for me to watch it, I have to change the channel. But in order to change the channel, I have to stop the recording process of your game. Thankfully, we can both get what we want if I stop your recording now, watch the rest of Bradley Cooper, and then go back and continue recording your little game! And you keep saying I don't know how to work this DVR thing! Bahaha!  5. His Complaint: "I can't go golfing this weekend because the kids want me to take them swimming."
 
The Truth: Where did the children get such wild ideas? Oh yes, now I remember - from me! That's right, once those early years are over and the fruits of our loins are weaned and walking on their own, it's your turn, honey. All I have to do is plant the thought in their tiny little minds of spending some "quality time" with dad and I can get some quality time with me! Hey kids, wouldn't it be fun to go to the park - with dad? How about going on a bike ride today - with dad? Do you know who'd probably love to take you to the mall? Dad. They are my pawns in the chess game of freedom. Remember the time the kids wanted to go camping with "just dad" for Father's Day? Check mate.
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