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I think I just broke up with my family...

I think I just broke up with my family...

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by: CartmanUK35 Active Indicator LED Icon 4 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 12:52pm  
So my wife and I are trying for a child (my first but her third) as I want children of my own and to be a real dad, but we are running out of time and have had trouble conceiving over the last few years.It turns out I am probably the problem here and male infertility is a more difficult fix than female.Back in February when I found out it was my issue I Skype'd my parents in England as I was distraught and my wife and I both needed someone to confide in. They seemed understanding but we were pretty much left to deal with it alone.So last week rolls around and my sister asks us to Skype with her (we never Skype directly without my mom being around) and she proceeds to tell us she is pregnant, this hit us like a ton of bricks and we had the hardest time being happy for her.That day, with all of our pain and loss taking over we started a crowdfunding campaign to help us afford the fertility treatment we need. I shared it on FB and twitter expecting my family to understand our need and even if they couldn't help financially to spread the word to others who may. I didn't get one like, one share or one comment, even in private about it. A week later my mom posts some lovey dovey thing about daughters and I let her have it in a private message about abandoning me. She comes back with excuses so I fire back again and then silence, for a week, my wife posts some meme about family turning their back on you on and THEN I get private messages about how wrong I am for saying that. They make a bunch of excuses about how they don't agree with begging for help (what choice do I have, I have been working less than two years, don't have enough credit to get finance, there is no NHS here, no charity will help us now because of my wifes advanced maternal age) and how I was out of order for doing that the day I found out about my sister. None of it means a damn thing to me.There is a rift now which they need to fix and I don't know if they can.Just venting on here I guess. 4951
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BooBear Active Indicator LED Icon 16
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:00pm  
Family drama is tough. 4951
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HotterThanYou Active Indicator LED Icon 1
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:00pm  
You can't expect others to put their lives and happiness on hold because you are struggling.  I went through something very similar when trying to conceive my second child.  I had several early-term miscarriages, tried fertility treatment and finally gave up.  In the midst of it all, my younger sister became pregnant with her second, and never gave a second thought to calling me and excitedly telling me the news.  I was hurt, just like you are, and angry, but you've got to realize that they have no idea what you are going through if they've never been there.  It is difficult, but it is your journey and you're not being fair to them expecting them to walk on eggshells for you.It's hard, and I wish it was easier and people were more sensitive, but that just doesn't always happen.  You know, maybe you're not meant to have a child, maybe there is some other amazing blessing waiting, or, maybe it's just not the right time.After two years of trying, several miscarriages, and fertility drugs that turned me into a psycho, we gave up trying and just decided that maybe God wanted up to adopt.  I got off all the drugs, quit worrying about when I was ovulating, and a couple of months later I wasn't feeling well, realized I was late, and took a pregnancy test. Boom, nine months later, I had a perfectly healthy little girl. 4951
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alecktra Active Indicator LED Icon 10
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:06pm  
You can't expect others to put their lives and happiness on hold because you are struggling.  I went through something very similar when trying to conceive my second child.  I had several early-term miscarriages, tried fertility treatment and finally gave up.  In the midst of it all, my younger sister became pregnant with her second, and never gave a second thought to calling me and excitedly telling me the news.  I was hurt, just like you are, and angry, but you've got to realize that they have no idea what you are going through if they've never been there.  It is difficult, but it is your journey and you're not being fair to them expecting them to walk on eggshells for you.It's hard, and I wish it was easier and people were more sensitive, but that just doesn't always happen.  You know, maybe you're not meant to have a child, maybe there is some other amazing blessing waiting, or, maybe it's just not the right time.After two years of trying, several miscarriages, and fertility drugs that turned me into a psycho, we gave up trying and just decided that maybe God wanted up to adopt.  I got off all the drugs, quit worrying about when I was ovulating, and a couple of months later I wasn't feeling well, realized I was late, and took a pregnancy test. Boom, nine months later, I had a perfectly healthy little girl.
 
@HotterThanYou: This is actually a cool story & good advice.  God knows what He's doing.  Congrats btw.
4951
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bubbleyes72 Active Indicator LED Icon 18
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:08pm  

- - - - - - - -
>> You can't expect others to put their lives and happiness on hold because you are struggling.  I went through something very similar when trying to conceive my second child.  I had several early-term miscarriages, tried fertility treatment and finally gave up.  In the midst of it all, my younger sister became pregnant with her second, and never gave a second thought to calling me and excitedly telling me the news.  I was hurt, just like you are, and angry, but you've got to realize that they have no idea what you are going through if they've never been there.  It is difficult, but it is your journey and you're not being fair to them expecting them to walk on eggshells for you.It's hard, and I wish it was easier and people were more sensitive, but that just doesn't always happen.  You know, maybe you're not meant to have a child, maybe there is some other amazing blessing waiting, or, maybe it's just not the right time.After two years of trying, several miscarriages, and fertility drugs that turned me into a psycho, we gave up trying and just decided that maybe God wanted up to adopt.  I got off all the drugs, quit worrying about when I was ovulating, and a couple of months later I wasn't feeling well, realized I was late, and took a pregnancy test. Boom, nine months later, I had a perfectly healthy little girl.
@HotterThanYou: This is actually a cool story & good advice.  God knows what He's doing.  Congrats btw.
@alecktra: Amen, I concur! Everything is in HIS time and not OURS! 4951
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soxs mom Active Indicator LED Icon 3
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:12pm  
I know fertility issues can be painful and frustrating. I have someone near and dear to me dealing with that right now. At the same time I have someone else I love that just announced their pregnancy. They were hesitate to even announce it knowing that it might be hurtful to the other loved ones trying hard to conceive. We convinced them that it something to celebrate and the other couple would feel just terrible if they thought their fertility issues would take away from their joy. So they did announce it. The sibling that is unable to conceive was so gracious and loving in spite of any personal sadness. They personally called and shared in the celebration and wished the new parents every happiness.While I know inside they were hurting, I admire and love them for being able to reach out and share in the family's moment. Would you want them to not get pregnant or to not celebrate the pregnancy? To me, that would only make me feel worse about not being able to conceive.  I would not want people walking on egg shells around me. You can't avoid the obvious. It is normal to feel grief and frustration and even jealousy. I think perhaps the announcement could have been handled with more sensitivity and that is what is really hurting you. As far as the Go Fund Me thing, I would be happy to help out a close family member with the costs but I would prefer to do it in a more private way. I think the whole "go fund" me thing has been over used and people set the pages up for every little want and expect people to pay for things that people used to take care of themselves. I find it a turn off. That is just my own personal bias and a little insight to the fact not everyone views these fund raising sites the same way. I certainly would not set one up with an expectation to receive or be angry with someone that did not contribute to it. But like I said,  that is my view and I admit I am very jaded about that concept. 4951
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bubbleyes72 Active Indicator LED Icon 18
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:13pm  
@CartmanUK35, you don't have to be the biological father in order to be a "real dad". There are plenty of sperm donors running around who are not being "real dads"! Being a real dad comes from what's within the heart. I do wish you the best on being a father to your own biological child. But I could love a child regardless if I birthed it or not, kids are a blessing. 4951
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beadweaver Active Indicator LED Icon 8
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:21pm  
You can't expect others to put their lives and happiness on hold because you are struggling.  I went through something very similar when trying to conceive my second child.  I had several early-term miscarriages, tried fertility treatment and finally gave up.  In the midst of it all, my younger sister became pregnant with her second, and never gave a second thought to calling me and excitedly telling me the news.  I was hurt, just like you are, and angry, but you've got to realize that they have no idea what you are going through if they've never been there.  It is difficult, but it is your journey and you're not being fair to them expecting them to walk on eggshells for you.It's hard, and I wish it was easier and people were more sensitive, but that just doesn't always happen.  You know, maybe you're not meant to have a child, maybe there is some other amazing blessing waiting, or, maybe it's just not the right time.After two years of trying, several miscarriages, and fertility drugs that turned me into a psycho, we gave up trying and just decided that maybe God wanted up to adopt.  I got off all the drugs, quit worrying about when I was ovulating, and a couple of months later I wasn't feeling well, realized I was late, and took a pregnancy test. Boom, nine months later, I had a perfectly healthy little girl.
 
@HotterThanYou:
Rockin advice. Congrats on your joy. I too had a tubal miscarriage and they told me I probably won't be able to have kids due to a tipped uterus. Well I did and then 12 yrs later another miscarriage.
My dh has no children and I do feel bad but it wasn't meant to be. We looked into foster care but I must have called the wrong place. They wanted to run our lives and I was the jailer. Um no.
You can be a real parent to any child. The need love, guidance and understanding.
 
4951
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beadweaver Active Indicator LED Icon 8
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 1:31pm  
So my wife and I are trying for a child (my first but her third) as I want children of my own and to be a real dad, but we are running out of time and have had trouble conceiving over the last few years.It turns out I am probably the problem here and male infertility is a more difficult fix than female.Back in February when I found out it was my issue I Skype'd my parents in England as I was distraught and my wife and I both needed someone to confide in. They seemed understanding but we were pretty much left to deal with it alone.So last week rolls around and my sister asks us to Skype with her (we never Skype directly without my mom being around) and she proceeds to tell us she is pregnant, this hit us like a ton of bricks and we had the hardest time being happy for her.That day, with all of our pain and loss taking over we started a crowdfunding campaign to help us afford the fertility treatment we need. I shared it on FB and twitter expecting my family to understand our need and even if they couldn't help financially to spread the word to others who may. I didn't get one like, one share or one comment, even in private about it. A week later my mom posts some lovey dovey thing about daughters and I let her have it in a private message about abandoning me. She comes back with excuses so I fire back again and then silence, for a week, my wife posts some meme about family turning their back on you on and THEN I get private messages about how wrong I am for saying that. They make a bunch of excuses about how they don't agree with begging for help (what choice do I have, I have been working less than two years, don't have enough credit to get finance, there is no NHS here, no charity will help us now because of my wifes advanced maternal age) and how I was out of order for doing that the day I found out about my sister. None of it means a damn thing to me.There is a rift now which they need to fix and I don't know if they can.Just venting on here I guess.
 
@CartmanUK35:
I understand your feelings but why not be happy for them? Yes you and yours are struggling to make it happen, but why steal their joy. Stress sometimes causes issues and trying so hard is tremendously stressful. Do you wear boxers or briefs? What's the temp down their? I know your probably laughing at me but maybe alternative ways can help.
 
Now you brought up crowd funding. That is an issue to me for many reasons.
I am tired of seeing fund me accounts while they live a rich and famous life style. You said working for two yrs. Do you have multiple tvs, cable, cell phones and take vacations, how many cars does the family have.
You said not one like etc. Well sweetie if you can not afford the treatments and it's not covered by insurance I don't think a bunch of strangers are gonna give you several grand to 100 grand.
That's reality.
You said your wife has three of her own. Be their dad and be the best one you can be. By saying her kids, step kids isn't fair to them. You married a woman with children. You married a family. Be a whole dad start using the words my kids.
 
4951
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CartmanUK35 Active Indicator LED Icon 4 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:06pm  
You misunderstand, I am not expecting anyone to put their lives on hold and I am not angry that my sister is pregnant, I am angry that my posts were completely and utterly ignored and rather than own it they have made excuse after excuse and attacked me for being in the wrong when all I am trying to do is build a family of my own.Also they can't be MY kids when they refuse to be and when I can't be a REAL father to them because their dad is still in the picture, I can and will never have that opportunity.As far as questioning my lifestyle when I say I can't afford it, we have ONE car, my wife has to drive me to work each day and pick me up each evening in the woodlands in our one car. We don't have cell phones right now either, we pared down as much as we could, what little credit we have (other than the car) we got to allow me to BUILD my credit as I have only had a green card for those two years, and no medical financing company is going to finance me at this stage of credit building.And I didn't even expect my family to contribute, but I certainly didn't expect them to completely ignore the posts. 4951
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Sparkles Active Indicator LED Icon 2
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:12pm  
You misunderstand, I am not expecting anyone to put their lives on hold and I am not angry that my sister is pregnant, I am angry that my posts were completely and utterly ignored and rather than own it they have made excuse after excuse and attacked me for being in the wrong when all I am trying to do is build a family of my own.
 
@CartmanUK35:
 
You picked a bad time. Posts also don't have to be responded to or shared. That moment was not about you. Step away from social media for a while and be thankful for what you have.
 
Also, I think people are just getting sick and tired of the go fund me stuff. 4951
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myevilgrin Active Indicator LED Icon 6
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:13pm  
Social media always causes problems it seems. FB keeps changing so maybe they didn't even see your posts. Now if in real life they are ignoring you and treating you badly, well then yes. They are wrong. 4951
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CartmanUK35 Active Indicator LED Icon 4 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:15pm  
I picked a BAD TIME? First of all my family had known about my situation for months secondly my sister hadn't gone public with her pregnancy yet? Who is it a bad time for exactly? I think my wife and I are the only ones having a bad time here. 4951
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CartmanUK35 Active Indicator LED Icon 4 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:16pm  
Social media always causes problems it seems. FB keeps changing so maybe they didn't even see your posts. Now if in real life they are ignoring you and treating you badly, well then yes. They are wrong.
 
@myevilgrin: I tried to convince myself of this for a while but they confirmed they saw them, besides, I am in Kingwood and they are in England, FB is all we have!
4951
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HotterThanYou Active Indicator LED Icon 1
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:19pm  
I picked a BAD TIME? First of all my family had known about my situation for months secondly my sister hadn't gone public with her pregnancy yet? Who is it a bad time for exactly? I think my wife and I are the only ones having a bad time here.
 
@CartmanUK35: Have you thought about talking to a counselor?  Like I said, I've been where you are, and it can be a very stressful time with a lot of emotions, etc.  A counselor might help you put the whole situation in perspective.  You've got a lot going on with being so far away from your family, having a blended family, fertility issues.  I think it might be very good for you to vent it to someone who has some experience.
4951
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Sparkles Active Indicator LED Icon 2
~ 8 years ago   Jul 21, '15 2:21pm  

- - - - - - - -
>> I picked a BAD TIME? First of all my family had known about my situation for months secondly my sister hadn't gone public with her pregnancy yet? Who is it a bad time for exactly? I think my wife and I are the only ones having a bad time here.
 
@CartmanUK35: Have you thought about talking to a counselor?  Like I said, I've been where you are, and it can be a very stressful time with a lot of emotions, etc.  A counselor might help you put the whole situation in perspective.  You've got a lot going on with being so far away from your family, having a blended family, fertility issues.  I think it might be very good for you to vent it to someone who has some experience.
 
@HotterThanYou:
 
Agree! 4951
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