The kissing bug -- because seriously, how bad could that be? It's called the kissing bug, for crying out loud! That's damn adorable!How bad could something called a kissing bug be? Well, to demonstrate, let's follow one -- we'll call him Don Guano, for reasons that will become disturbingly apparent -- through his nightly routine. It all starts when small Don is attracted to the light given off by your house. Once he sneaks inside like some six-legged mini-stalker, your stank breath (don't worry, mouthwash won't help) attracts him to the one part of your sleeping body that tends to stay above the bedcovers: your face. That's when Don locks on with a -- frankly, overzealous -- French kiss and feeds on the blood from your tender, tender lips.You see, Don's physiology gives him a sort of perpetual case of irritable bowel syndrome -- as soon as he eats, he gots to go, son. Now, pop quiz! Where does he eat? Correct, on your lips. So where does he proceed to drop a big ol' bug-deuce? Yep. Hope you're not a mouth breather.But wait, it gets even worse! Said bug poop also spreads the parasite responsible for Chagas disease, a tropical ailment lethal enough to have been dubbed the "new AIDS." Also, "tropical ailment" is now a bit of a misnomer, seeing as how kissing bugs have proliferated throughout the Southern United States and infected over 300,000 Americans with the disease. Sleep tight, Southerners!
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