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Yiddish humour

Yiddish humour

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by: Ray Active Indicator LED Icon 17 OP 
~ 8 years ago   Jun 18, '15 7:59am  
Some of us miss the old kind of .  A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My
wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This
time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My
wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" ------------------------------n> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 8 years ago   Jun 18, '15 3:12pm  
Not Yiddish;Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it."Two dogs, please," said one.The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?" 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 8 years ago   Jun 18, '15 3:15pm  
Also not yiddishEmoticonhysicist, an engineer, and a statistician out hunting. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 yards short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 yards long. The statistician yells "We got 'em!" 4951
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ProblemAgain Active Indicator LED Icon 10
~ 8 years ago   Jun 18, '15 4:18pm  
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's astatue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!" 4951
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