#5. Bert And Mary Can't Hold Down JobsThe star of a one-man band, sidewalk artist, chimney sweep, and kite salesman are all self-employed positions. So it's a little odd for a middle-aged man to experiment with each of these four positions in as many days. However, this is exactly what Bert does. He can't possibly be making much from these menial jobs, yet he wants for nothing. He has the care-free attitude of a billionaire who takes up pottery one day and tries out hunting humans for sport the next.The moment she meets the Banks family, she mentions that she needs every other Tuesday off. Then, only two days into her employment, she tricks Mr. Banks into taking the kids for the day, probably so she could go on a wild meth binge under a magical bridge, or wherever this dangerous loon lives when she isn't feeding drugs to children to get them to sleep.#4. Mary And Bert Have A Friend Who's Clearly A Drug AddictMary and Bert rush to Albert's aid, and Mary drags the kids with her because she's just so, so very bad at her job. Sure enough, Albert is laughing and floating like he just chugged a cocktail of the Joker's laughing toxin and Willy Wonka's Fizzy-Lifting drinks. He is, quite literally, high. This scene sets up a metaphor that runs through the rest of the movie: "Laughing" is code for "that good stuff that Bert's selling."#3. Mary's Got Some Wild Mood SwingsAt first, Mary Poppins is a fun, firm -- if somewhat manipulative -- cross between the caretaker the children want and the disciplinarian their father knows they need.Though, as the film goes on, she changes in subtle, unsettling ways. She becomes more erratic and careless with the kids.She even threatens to call the police when the children talk about the day's events.It's unclear whether she actually can't remember what happened that day or if this is her subtle way of threatening the kids into not narcing on her ***.#2. Mary And Bert Go On A Creepy DateIn the iconic scene when Mary and her drugged-up posse hop into one of Bert's chalk drawings, she and Bert sing a duet called "Jolly Holiday," a happy tune about how they enjoy each other's company.All right. Well. Did anyone else feel a little put off when she mentions Bert not "pressing his advantage" and talking about forbearance and how "a lady needn't fear" when he's around? In song, Mary Poppins tells us she's super thankful Bert isn't a rapist. Out of nowhere. Which leads to the question: Were we supposed to think he was a rapist?Leaving the kids to go on a little date with Bert was about as responsible as leaving them in the care of a hungry wood chipper, but it could very well have been drug-seeking behavior. Neglecting responsibilities, as mentioned before, is a sign of potential drug abuse.#1. Everyone Gets High As A KiteAt the end of the movie, Bert is selling kites in a park, presumably in an effort to launder his drug profits. Of course, a kite is an odd choice for a product to sell. Who goes to the park to fly a kite without bringing a kite? Did people impulse-buy kites back then?Anyway, Bert's selling "kites" in the park, where it just so happens that Mr. Banks' former employers are all hanging out. These are the creepy no-nonsense bankers in top hats and three-piece suits with coattails that once tried to steal Mr. Banks' son's money out of his hands.They're flying kites. Bert's kites. He tells Mr. Banks that his father "died laughing" at a joke he was told by Banks, thus leaving Mr. Banks an opening to step in as a partner. Mr. Banks heard the joke from his son Michael, who heard it from Bert when he was getting Uncle Albert high as all-get-out. Bert's product indirectly killed Mr. Banks' boss.It's like Final Destination meets Requiem For A Dream, as transcribed from the de-thawed nightmares of Walt Disney's frozen head. 4951
Actually, the Uncle Albert scene has always, always, always seemed like a drug analogy to me. Even when I was a pretty young kid. So I'm totally with you on that one, anyway.And the timeline sidenote has bothered me forever, too. Does the whole movie take place in 3 days? And if so, how does the crazy ship captain already know to ask them what adventure they're headed for? 4951