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@Retired_engineer

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by: Love2Run Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 7:19am  
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don�t Have A Sense Of Humor?
 
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
 
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" (Love this one!!!)
 
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μEmoticon. (Don't get this one.)
 
8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." (Like this one too!!) 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:46am  
Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please." 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:47am  
An engineer dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. St Peter asks the engineer his name as he searches for it in the big Book of Life.St Peter looks up and states, “There’s been a mistake, you’re not due here for another 50 years!” The engineer is distraught and asks what can be done.St Peter replies, “No problem, this happens more often than you think. Follow me.”So they walk through the gates and to a room with several bins in it. This is the body parts room. St Peter takes the engineer to the legs bins and states, “We have all kinds of legs to choose from, but relative to all the good you have done in life so far, you only get $500 worth to play with.”The engineer sees this as the usual ‘get the most for the least’ cost exercise so decides to pick carefully and asks, “how much are super strong legs?”“$10 each” replies St Peter. The engineer is overjoyed and takes two. The next bins are arms, and the engineer buys two super strong arms for $5 each. This is looking good and the engineer is building a great body and dreaming about all the fun he will have when he gets back to Earth.They finally reach the brain bins. The engineer asks “How much are engineers’ brains?” “$5,000 an ounce,” replies St Peter.“$5,000 an ounce!” exclaims the engineer. “Why so much?” St Peter replies, “Do you know how many engineers it takes to get an ounce of brains?” 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:48am  
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?None. That’s a hardware issue. 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:49am  
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..." 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:51am  
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.· Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.· Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.· Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.· Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their poodle.· Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.· Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.· Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"· Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.· Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".· Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.· Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.· Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.· Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.· Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.· Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:52am  
Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall". 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:53am  
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 8:54am  
During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...." 4951
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shodan66 Active Indicator LED Icon 15
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 9:22am  
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ. (Don't get this one.)
 
@Love2Run: The well known joke is: Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow.  Interrupting cow... MOOOOOOOO!
In the joke above, "m" = mass and "μ" = coefficient of friction therefore:  mμμμμμ!I'll leave it to others to decide if it's funny or not. 4951
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Love2Run Active Indicator LED Icon 9 OP 
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 12:27pm  

- - - - - - - -
>> 7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ. (Don't get this one.)
 
@Love2Run: The well known joke is: Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow.  Interrupting cow... MOOOOOOOO!
In the joke above, "m" = mass and "μ" = coefficient of friction therefore:  mμμμμμ!I'll leave it to others to decide if it's funny or not.
 
@shodan66: W A Y over my head. Emoticon Thanks for the explanation tho!
4951
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Retired_Engineer Active Indicator LED Icon 13
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 1:23pm  
An engineer sent his son (a future engineer) to the lumber yard for 50 2X4s.  When he got there, the lumber man asked him how long did he want them?  The son went home to ask his dad, then returned to the lumber yard. The son told the lumber man "My father said he needs them for a long time.  He's building a shed." 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 2:02pm  
The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test some students, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Math student and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics student After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, they give the test to an Engineering student After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox. 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 2:03pm  
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it. 4951
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~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 2:05pm  
An engineering student, a Physics student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 and were told to use the money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the building's roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!" 4951
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FoFa Active Indicator LED Icon 17
~ 9 years ago   May 22, '14 2:07pm  
The Retired EngineerThere was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his comapny contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:One chalk mark......................$1Knowing where to put it........$49,999It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace 4951
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