How to Pierce Your Own PenisIt's suggested that you get a pair of clamps so that, when you make the first hole and start screaming like a little girl who's being mauled by a tiger, you won't accidentally miss your mark on the exit and give yourself a second urethra. If I ever follow the Internet's advice to apply a clamp to my foreskin, the next step in the guide had better be "Question every life decision you have made up to this point as you star in a Bulgarian porno to pay off your gambling debts."
How to Give Yourself a Tattoo With Household ItemsThis guide on tattooing yourself was put together by a man who spent a decade in prison putting these skills to use and could not care less if you infect yourself, because he's seen stuff that makes your infection look like a chipped nail. If going to a tattoo parlor while drunk is ill-advised, this is the equivalent of stopping off while on your way to rescue your parents from a Terminator.
How to Become Good at Knife FightingMuch like learning to play an instrument or picking up a new language, mastering the art of knife fighting is one of those skills we'd all love to do but can never quite find the time for. But then you find yourself in a foreign country and/or in the midst of a battle between two surprisingly well-choreographed street gangs, and you'll curse yourself for watching that Who's the Boss? marathon when you could have been slashing noses open.
How to Cheat on Your Spouse and Not Get CaughtSome of the marriage-ruining tips are obvious, like always use protection, don't come home with new hickeys, and tell the kids that, yes, it is absolutely their fault that mommy and daddy are getting divorced. Other suggestions veer more into the realm of spycraft, which is great because you can pretend you're a secret agent on an important honeypot mission. Role play spices up your passionate romance and distracts you from remembering that you're a terrible person.
How to Cut Yourself Off from SocietySo it's a guide for people who imagine themselves as the moody stars of young adult novels, basically. Truly, having friends is like entering an emotional Hunger Games. What soul-crushing tips can we follow to avoid all that painful human interaction?
How to Drive Safely While DrunkHopefully we all recognize that "drive safely while drunk" is an oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or "thought-provoking BuzzFeed article." These guides begin by saying as much, clearly stating that you should never drink and drive. Buuuut sometimes you just really need to, so it's totally OK and here's how to do it.
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